Sectioned... or not...
I have recently been lucky enough to be asked to be involved in helping to plan a “Family and Carers Listening Event” which reminded me just how important it is for medical professionals to listen to carers. This is something that sadly simply does not happen enough.
My daughter was on a waiting list (18 months!) to be seen as a “non-urgent” out-patient at our local eating disorders unit. Whilst waiting she had occasional appointments with the community mental health team. I always went with her to appointments so my face was known by the team.
A new psychiatrist saw my daughter and was so concerned (hooray – at last!) by how unwell she was that he organised a Mental Health Act (sectioning) team to turn up unannounced at our home. Fortunately both I and my daughter were in – does raise the question as to what to they do if you are not – sit on the doorstep and wait??
The team walked into our home – I do recall being introduced to the three members at all – merely the fact that they wanted to see my daughter. Considering they were “invading” our home unannounced and uninvited I found their attitude at worst offensive and at best sheer bad manners. Despite having attended all appointments with my daughter I was told (quite rudely) that I was not to be present in the same room whilst they talked to my daughter and that if I didn’t comply then my daughter would be removed, (forcibly if necessary) from our home. My husband (her step-Dad) and son soon returned home to offer support. We ended up sitting on the stairs (the layout of our house is such that it might have be construed intruding on the proceedings if we even went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea). It felt incredibly bizarre, surreal – it is so difficult to put into words – that a team of mental health professionals were talking to my daughter and had been sent round as it felt that she was unstable enough to not understand the danger she was in and yet her own family were being excluded. Anorexics are known to lie – to be deceitful, to be manipulative in order to “protect” the anorexia – and yet despite this we were not consulted. This was a few years ago and I still struggle to make sense of this.
My daughter wasn’t sectioned and promptly we were left to deal with her care – with no consultation with us by the team as to how we were coping or to find out the reality of the situation. Basically – back to you family. Did I want my precious daughter to be sectioned – No, of course not – and yet we (me, husband and son) couldn’t help feeling disappointed and let down. We desperately – and I mean desperately – wanted and needed some help and yet again we weren’t going to get any – it was back to us caring, cajoling, worrying again.
The next day my daughter had an appointment with the Community Mental Health Team – as always I went along. I have been anorexic – I know the tricks – I know about hiding weights in your clothing, I know about lying about what has and hasn’t been eaten, I know about extra layers of clothing, heavy jewellery, drinking pints of water to falsify weight etc. I knew my daughter was using some (maybe all) of these “tricks” – she had at the very least been drinking a lot. I wanted to simply pass this information onto to the team so that they could assess her properly. I know about patient confidentiality – I know that I cannot be told things about my daughter that she does not wish me to know – I also know that, as a carer, I have a right to be listened to. I was denied this. I was told that due to patient confidentiality the team would not speak to me. I was so angry I had to leave the building, I am not one for violence but I really did not trust myself not to hit anyone or to “trash” the waiting area. I could not and still do not understand how less than 24 hours earlier my daughter had been deemed ill enough to warrant a Mental Health Act team on the doorstep but for me, her mother, not to be spoken to – to find out how things really were.
My daughter was “assessed” at her appointment and deemed to be ok – she wasn’t... and we ended up going through the same process again and again....
All they needed to was to LISTEN to her family who only wanted to help her.....
Ann
Sunday 22 June 2014
Sunday 1 June 2014
My daughter, anorexia and I - with a bit of other stuff
Perks of Recovery very kindly asked if I would like to write a guest blog – a blog – there are times when I think I could write a whole book! So hopefully this will be a series of blogs that are a manageable and readable size rather than one very long one that sends people to sleep.
Next problem – was where to start? .... eating disorders have been part of my life for as long as I can remember – my mother had a few problems, I am a “recovered” anorexic, other members of the family have had problems... do I start at the beginning wherever that might be or dive in and out. The latter feels right to me – blogging about things that come to mind and perhaps when (if!) I have finished the whole jumble will sort of fall into place.
I have two grown up children and they both mean the world to me. Carrying them around whilst pregnant – loving them from the moment that I realised they were there to the overwhelming love when they were born to the love felt watching them grow and become more independent but still being an integral part of my life.
My daughter developed anorexia when she was 17 – over seven years ago. I will go into the trials of getting help for her another time but right now what I find so very difficult is being estranged from her. My heart is broken.....
Last October I was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. My prognosis is excellent but I have had to go through 4 ops and chemotherapy. My daughter didn’t cope with it the first time around so I feared that it might be even harder this time around particularly as the anorexia has such a very strong hold on her. This time the cancer needed a bit more “effort” to get rid of – initial op didn’t work and subsequent tests results showed that it was to be a bit more involved than the first time. My third op was a bilateral mastectomy. My daughter doesn’t like hospitals so I didn’t expect a visit... she didn’t even ask my husband (her step-Dad) how I was when he came home from visiting me. It was all far too much for her deal with when her mind was so busy trying to keep the anorexia happy.
Two days after I came out of hospital from my mastectomy she was out for the evening and came home around 1 a.m. slurring her speech. She has been hypoglycaemic (dangerously low blood sugar levels) before and we have had a sectioning team here, another time, after phoning NHS Direct we were phoned regularly by A & E to see how she was doing – they were so busy they felt we could monitor her better! So – was she drunk? – was she hypoglycaemic? I did what I know is completely the wrong thing to do... I knocked (ok maybe banged!) on her bedroom door to ask if she had eaten. What was I thinking of??!!! Cutting a long story short a shouting match followed – I went to the bathroom in tears and she followed lecturing me about how well she was doing, how I tried to control her. My husband got involved in the shouting – he more than anyone knows how upset and stressed I get about my daughter. Next thing was she stormed out of the house with just her handbag leaving me, I’m embarrassed to say, fairly hysterical. I pleaded with my husband to follow her but he wouldn’t – I was still recovering from major surgery and had drains hanging out of me. I was in a state and he was fearful. I was scared that her blood sugar was so low that she could collapse somewhere so I phoned the police. They were great – promptly started looking for her and also came to our home to get more details. I was even more worried because she had left her mobile phone here – she never goes anywhere without it. After what seemed like an interminable time she phoned from wherever she was – she wouldn't speak to me – but spoke to the police and said that she was safe. They went to check this out – taking her phone for her! Must get priorities right! An hour or so later – by now it was well after 3 a.m. – they phoned to say that they had seen her and she was safe.
Since then (six months) we have had virtually no contact – to say that it has been hard doesn't even touch on it. She collected her post a couple of times but was unable to look me in the eye let alone have anything resembling a conversation. She got back in touch with her Dad (my ex) and has been leaning on him for support – bit ironic really – but that’s another story.
I know that she simply couldn't cope with my cancer and her anorexia. Friends and family think that she is being selfish leaving here at a time when I could have done with a bit of support and certainly less stress – not more – but it’s not her being selfish – it’s the anorexia. She doesn't and can’t comprehend what not only her leaving here but also the lack of contact has done to me. Maybe it’s as well that way. I bear her no ill will – I really don’t - I understand the problem. I just miss her so very much – and of course worry... Whilst she was living here our GPs were great and kept a good eye on her. She is no longer in the area. According to her Dad she is living in London – I don’t even have an address for her. She has “unfriended” me on Facebook even though she knows that would hurt me. She has isolated herself from us.
Her things are pretty much left as if she has just popped out for the afternoon – her shoes on the rack in the hall, her coats in the cupboard, her cookery books on the kitchen shelf, her bedroom a typical young person’s “tip”. I thought she would be back home in a few days – I’m still waiting.
I don’t miss the hours in the evening spent watching her cut her food up into the tiniest bits – having already spent an hour with it sitting on her lap getting cold and then taking at least 3 hours to eat it. It sounds such a little thing – but believe me watching that night after night you just want to scream “for goodness sake just eat it in a normal time”. I don’t miss the having to leave the kitchen whilst she dished out her dinner carefully filling her plate with salad to try to hide the small amount of meat/carbs she had, then using the same salad to cover up what she hadn’t eaten. I don’t miss trying not to look as if I am watching what she is eating. I don’t miss making sure we always have “safe” foods for dinner – no pasta for example. I don’t miss turning down meals out so that we always ate with her at home. I don’t miss the stress of lengthy trips to the supermarket watching her read labels on food intently before it is placed (or not) in the trolley.
I don’t miss listening to the lies that she used to tell to cover for the anorexia, I don’t miss her going out to the door to the gym saying she would just go on a couple of machines and wouldn’t be long and then returning home hours later clearly having spent all her time there. I don’t miss the fear of a phone call from the gym saying that she has collapsed. I don’t miss hearing the sound of ambulance nearby and wondering if it is for her.
Do I miss any of these things? – NO. Do I miss living with anorexia? – NO. Do I miss my daughter – of course I do. I would willingly go back to living with all those things just to have some contact with her.
I see reminders of her all the time - I see the lovely meerkat sitting on the kitchen windowsill that she gave me, the little terracotta pot that she painted “Mummy” on when in kindergarten, I see her things lying around the house...
I miss the girlie chats, the coffees, the gossip, the shopping trips, the wardrobe advice, the delicious meals she cooked that I would never have dreamt of trying, her thoughtfulness......
I don’t miss the anorexia – I do miss my daughter....
Ann
Next problem – was where to start? .... eating disorders have been part of my life for as long as I can remember – my mother had a few problems, I am a “recovered” anorexic, other members of the family have had problems... do I start at the beginning wherever that might be or dive in and out. The latter feels right to me – blogging about things that come to mind and perhaps when (if!) I have finished the whole jumble will sort of fall into place.
I have two grown up children and they both mean the world to me. Carrying them around whilst pregnant – loving them from the moment that I realised they were there to the overwhelming love when they were born to the love felt watching them grow and become more independent but still being an integral part of my life.
My daughter developed anorexia when she was 17 – over seven years ago. I will go into the trials of getting help for her another time but right now what I find so very difficult is being estranged from her. My heart is broken.....
Last October I was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. My prognosis is excellent but I have had to go through 4 ops and chemotherapy. My daughter didn’t cope with it the first time around so I feared that it might be even harder this time around particularly as the anorexia has such a very strong hold on her. This time the cancer needed a bit more “effort” to get rid of – initial op didn’t work and subsequent tests results showed that it was to be a bit more involved than the first time. My third op was a bilateral mastectomy. My daughter doesn’t like hospitals so I didn’t expect a visit... she didn’t even ask my husband (her step-Dad) how I was when he came home from visiting me. It was all far too much for her deal with when her mind was so busy trying to keep the anorexia happy.
Two days after I came out of hospital from my mastectomy she was out for the evening and came home around 1 a.m. slurring her speech. She has been hypoglycaemic (dangerously low blood sugar levels) before and we have had a sectioning team here, another time, after phoning NHS Direct we were phoned regularly by A & E to see how she was doing – they were so busy they felt we could monitor her better! So – was she drunk? – was she hypoglycaemic? I did what I know is completely the wrong thing to do... I knocked (ok maybe banged!) on her bedroom door to ask if she had eaten. What was I thinking of??!!! Cutting a long story short a shouting match followed – I went to the bathroom in tears and she followed lecturing me about how well she was doing, how I tried to control her. My husband got involved in the shouting – he more than anyone knows how upset and stressed I get about my daughter. Next thing was she stormed out of the house with just her handbag leaving me, I’m embarrassed to say, fairly hysterical. I pleaded with my husband to follow her but he wouldn’t – I was still recovering from major surgery and had drains hanging out of me. I was in a state and he was fearful. I was scared that her blood sugar was so low that she could collapse somewhere so I phoned the police. They were great – promptly started looking for her and also came to our home to get more details. I was even more worried because she had left her mobile phone here – she never goes anywhere without it. After what seemed like an interminable time she phoned from wherever she was – she wouldn't speak to me – but spoke to the police and said that she was safe. They went to check this out – taking her phone for her! Must get priorities right! An hour or so later – by now it was well after 3 a.m. – they phoned to say that they had seen her and she was safe.
Since then (six months) we have had virtually no contact – to say that it has been hard doesn't even touch on it. She collected her post a couple of times but was unable to look me in the eye let alone have anything resembling a conversation. She got back in touch with her Dad (my ex) and has been leaning on him for support – bit ironic really – but that’s another story.
I know that she simply couldn't cope with my cancer and her anorexia. Friends and family think that she is being selfish leaving here at a time when I could have done with a bit of support and certainly less stress – not more – but it’s not her being selfish – it’s the anorexia. She doesn't and can’t comprehend what not only her leaving here but also the lack of contact has done to me. Maybe it’s as well that way. I bear her no ill will – I really don’t - I understand the problem. I just miss her so very much – and of course worry... Whilst she was living here our GPs were great and kept a good eye on her. She is no longer in the area. According to her Dad she is living in London – I don’t even have an address for her. She has “unfriended” me on Facebook even though she knows that would hurt me. She has isolated herself from us.
Her things are pretty much left as if she has just popped out for the afternoon – her shoes on the rack in the hall, her coats in the cupboard, her cookery books on the kitchen shelf, her bedroom a typical young person’s “tip”. I thought she would be back home in a few days – I’m still waiting.
I don’t miss the hours in the evening spent watching her cut her food up into the tiniest bits – having already spent an hour with it sitting on her lap getting cold and then taking at least 3 hours to eat it. It sounds such a little thing – but believe me watching that night after night you just want to scream “for goodness sake just eat it in a normal time”. I don’t miss the having to leave the kitchen whilst she dished out her dinner carefully filling her plate with salad to try to hide the small amount of meat/carbs she had, then using the same salad to cover up what she hadn’t eaten. I don’t miss trying not to look as if I am watching what she is eating. I don’t miss making sure we always have “safe” foods for dinner – no pasta for example. I don’t miss turning down meals out so that we always ate with her at home. I don’t miss the stress of lengthy trips to the supermarket watching her read labels on food intently before it is placed (or not) in the trolley.
I don’t miss listening to the lies that she used to tell to cover for the anorexia, I don’t miss her going out to the door to the gym saying she would just go on a couple of machines and wouldn’t be long and then returning home hours later clearly having spent all her time there. I don’t miss the fear of a phone call from the gym saying that she has collapsed. I don’t miss hearing the sound of ambulance nearby and wondering if it is for her.
Do I miss any of these things? – NO. Do I miss living with anorexia? – NO. Do I miss my daughter – of course I do. I would willingly go back to living with all those things just to have some contact with her.
I see reminders of her all the time - I see the lovely meerkat sitting on the kitchen windowsill that she gave me, the little terracotta pot that she painted “Mummy” on when in kindergarten, I see her things lying around the house...
I miss the girlie chats, the coffees, the gossip, the shopping trips, the wardrobe advice, the delicious meals she cooked that I would never have dreamt of trying, her thoughtfulness......
I don’t miss the anorexia – I do miss my daughter....
Ann
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